One Day And A Half In The Life Of A Tobacco Chewer

Saturday, July 22, 1843. Took my hnt for a walk; wife, as wives areapt. to. began to load me with messages, upon seeing me ready to go out. Asked me to cali at cousin M's. and borrow for her the Sorrows of Werter. Hato to have wife read such namiiy pamby stuff - but must humor her whims, and concluded that I had rather she would take pleasure over Werter's Sorrows, than employ her tongue in making sorrows' for your humble servant. Got to cousin M. 's door. Nowcousin M. is an oíd maid, and a dreadful tidy woman. Like tidy women well enough, but can't bear your dreadful tidy ones, because I am always in dread while on their premises, lest I should offend Iheir super superlative neatness by a bit of gravel on the sole of niy boot or such matter. Walked in, delivered my message, and seated myself in one of her cane bottom chairs while sherummaged the book case. Forgot to take out my cavendish before I entered, and while she hunted, feit the tide rising. No spit box in the room - Windows closed. Floor carpeted. Stove varnished. Looked to the fire-place - full of flowers, and hearth newly daubed with Spanish brown: here was a fix. - Feit the fiood of essence of cavendish accumulating. Began to reason with myself whether as a last alternative it were better to drown the flowers, redanbthe hearth or fiood the carpet. Mouth in the mean time pretty well filled. To add to my misery she began to ask questions. - 'Did' you ever read this book, ? 'Yesyma'anVsaid I, in a voice like afrog from' the bottom of a well, when I wished book, aunt and all, were with Pharoah's host in the Red Sea. 'How do you like it?' continued the indefetigable querist.- I threw myhead on Ihe back of tho cbair and mouth upward to prevent anflow. 'Pretty weil,' said I. She at last found the Sorrows of Werter, and carne to me. 'O! dear, cousin Oliver, don' put your head on the back of the chair now don't you'll grease it, and take off the gilding.' I could not answer her having now lost the power of speech entirely, and my cheeks were distended like those of a toad under a mushroom. - 'Why, Oliver,' said my persevering tormentor, unconscious of the reason of my appearance, 'you are sick, I know you are, your face is dreadfully swelled; and before I could prevent her, her hartshorn was clapped to my distended nostrils. - A's my mouth ivas closed imperturbably, the orífices in my nasal organ were at that time my only breathing place. Judge thcn what a commotion a full snuff of lieartshorn created among my olfactories. I bolted for the door, and a hearty achehehee! relieved my proboscis, and tobáceo, chyle, &c, at once disgorged from my mouth, restored me the faculty of speech. Her eyes followed me in astonishment, and 1 returned and relieved my embarrassment by putting a load on my conscience. I told her I had been trying to relieve the toothache by a temporary use of tobáceo- while, truth to teil, I n&ver had an aching fang in my head. I went home mortified. Sunday Forenoon. Friend A. invited myself and wife to take a seat with him to hear the celebrated Mr.- preach. Conducted by neighbor A. to his pew. - Mouth as usual, full of tobáceo, and - horror of horrors! found the pew elegantly carpeted with white and green- - two or three mahogany crickets, anda hat stand - but no spit-box. The services commenced - every peal on the organ was answered by an intern al appeal from my mouth for a lihoration from its contents - but the thing was impossible. ] thoughi of using my hat for a spit-box - then of turning one of the crickets over but I could do nothing unperceived. j took out my handkerchief, but .found, in the plentitude of her officiousness, that my wife had placed one of her white cambrics in my pocket instead of my bandanna. Here was a dilemma. By the time the preacher had named his text, my cheeks had reached their utmost extensión, andl must spit or die. I arose seized myhat and made for the door. My wife - confound these women, iow they dog one about! imagining me unvvell, she might have known - got up and followed me out. 'Are vou inwell, Oliver?" said she, as the door closed after us. I answered her by pining out the eyes of an unlucky dog wilh a flood of expressed essence of cavendish. I. wish,' said she, 'Mr. A. had a spit-box n his pew.' 'So do I.' We footed it ïome in moody silence. I was sorrv ny wife had lost the sermón, but how could Í help it? These women are so iflectionate, confound them; no, I don't mean so. But she might have known vhat ailed me, and kept her seat. Tobacco! O, tobáceo! but the deeds of hat day are not told yet. After the conclusión of the services, along carae farmer Ploughshare. He had seen me go outofchurch and stopped at the open window where I sat. 'Sick to-day, Mr. V 'Rather unwell,' answered I, and there was another lie to place to the account of tobáceo. 'We had powerful preaching, Mr. ; sorry you had to go out.' My wife asked him in, and in he carne; she might know he would, but womon must be so polite. But she was the sufferer by t. Compliments over, I gave him my chair at the open window. Down he sát, and fumbling in his pockets, he drew orth a formidable plug of tobáceo, and ommenced untwisting it. Then you se tobáceo?' said I. 'A leetle occasionall3r,'said he, as he deposited from three o four inches in his cheek. I mentally itied those who use more. 'A neat fence hat of yourn.' as flood after flood bespatred a newïy painfed white fence near the vindow. 'Yes,' said I, 'but ï ïike adarkr color.' So do I,'' answered Ploughhare, 'and yaller sujts my It ont show dirt.' And he moistened my arpet with his favorite color. Good, ïought I, wife will ask himagain I guess. We were now summoned to dinner.- 7armev Ploughshare seated himself. I aw his long fingers in the particular digits when about ta unload. He drew b(ïm across his mouth; I trembled for the consequence. should he throw such a load upen the hearth or the But he had no intention ihus to waste his quid, and - shocking to relate - deposited it beside his plate on my wife's damask cloth. This was too much. I plead sickness and rose. There was no lie in the asertion now, I was sick. I reÜFed from he table, but my departure did not disompose Farmer Ploughshare, who was not conscious of having done wrong. I eturned in season toseè him1 replace his quid in his mouth to undergó a secondmastication, and the church bell importtunately ringing, called him away before he could use his píate for a spit box - for such, I was persuaded, would have been his next movement. I went up stairs, and throwing myself on the bed, fel asleep. Dreams of inundation, fioods and fire harassed me. I thought I was burning and smoking like a cigar. I then thought the Merrimac had burst its banks and was about to overflow me with its waters. I could not escape, the water had reached my chin - I tasted it, it was like tobáceo juice. I coughed and screamed, and awakening, found I had been to sleep with a quid in my mouth. - My wife entered at the moment I threw away the filthy weed - 'Huz, if I were you I would hot use that stuff any more.' I won't said I. Neither fig nor twist, pigtail nor cavendish has passed my lips since, nor ever shall they again.